While the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse are riding hard these days, and probably have been joined by a half dozen more equestrians of catastrophe, that’s no reason to avoid railing against a matter of deep insignificance and triviality. That’s right, I am talking about the debasement of the word friends!
These days, when children go to daycare or the early years of elementary school, their fellow attendees are not children or kids or tots or students or classmates, they are all friends. It doesn’t matter how bratty, whiny, aggressive or given to throwing tantrums, they still are friends.
Consequently, since everyone is a friend, it is not unusual to hear a child complain: “My friend was mean to me and wouldn’t play with me.” Nobody ever points out that if the kid was mean to you and wouldn’t play with you, how can that kid be a friend?
Yes the word friend, has been horribly debased and no longer carries the Classical weight of Damon and Pythias or the Biblical heft of David and Jonathan. Traditionally, in the most visible public sphere, even arch-enemies are friends. Just listen to members of Congress routinely refer to “My good friend across the aisle” even when they are talking about someone that they obviously loathe, even someone as awful as Ted Cruz or Rand Paul.
And it doesn’t stop there. Consider Facebook, where everyone is a “friend” and people celebrate being Facebook friends, as opposed to real friends. No event is more profound in its meaninglessness than the commemoration of being “Facebook friends” for ___ number of years. That’s certainly a cherished milestone worthy of being celebrated in the vomitorium.
Furthermore and no, I am not being a pedant, friend is not a verb. No, you cannot friend someone. You might befriend someone, a somewhat archaic expression, but anyone talking about “friending” someone should probably be excised from civilized society and required to repeat seventh grade.
Anyway, it is probably a given that Facebook is a criminal organization, By subversively turning friend into a verb, one of its more pronounced offenses is committing a high crime against the language.
Ask yourself: who wants to be friends anymore when the word has become so overused, so abused, so stripped of any value?
Perhaps it’s time to review the rules of what constitutes true friendship.
First of all, no one should have any more than two or three friends. Any persons in excess of three might be casual acquaintances, occasional companions or associates. And among those three friends, it’s essential to be on the outs with at least two of them after having hurt their feelings or displayed insensitivity in direct violation of the true meaning of friendship.
Of course, it’s perfectly acceptable to be rude or insensitive to friends. After all, what are friends for? Furthermore, friends forgive one another. That’s what it means to be a friend.
Being a friend gives one the right to be irritating, imposing, quick to share deep-seated problems that no one wants to hear about, and to come through in times of crisis when there’s nowhere else to turn. However, once the crisis is past, that empathy should be quickly suspended.
Finally, the truest test of true friendship arises when a friend needs to borrow money. If someone is a true friend and needs to borrow money, without question you lend the money.
And if true friends can’t pay it back at the agreed upon time, without question you give them an extra week before you break their legs.
