Our youngest son is getting married in October. He’s marrying a wonderful young woman and the wedding planning is in full swing. We couldn’t be more excited!

Less exciting is the fact that I, as mother of the groom (or MOG for short), need a gown for the wedding. Now, if you have read any of my previous columns, you are aware that gown shopping is my least favorite thing to do, next to getting a colonoscopy or getting a tooth pulled.

But gown shopping I shall do, and I shall find the perfect gown, and hopefully no one will be hurt in the process.

I am not fond of clothes shopping. I tend to order most of my clothes online.

I do not like rummaging through racks of clothes and then trying clothes on. And I am not good at it.

What I like on a hanger or mannequin looks absolutely horrifying on me 99.9 percent of the time. Hence my penchant for online shopping.

At least at home I can try on what I ordered and I can curse and swear without offending anyone or getting arrested.

But this occasion calls for me to step up and go shopping. This does not mean that I haven’t looked online for gowns. I have. A lot. Frequently. I have seen a ton of gowns that I absolutely love.

Unfortunately, the models are usually several sizes smaller than me (make that SEVERAL SIZES SMALLER), and I am fashion-savvy enough to realize that those gowns may not necessarily look as good on me. Online gown shopping has helped me to create a list of what I do and don’t want in a MOG gown.

  1. I do not want a trumpet-shaped, mermaid, or any tight-fitting gown. I plan to do some sitting during the wedding, so therefore a skin-tight gown is O-U-T! My luck, I’d rip the whole back seam out and then I wouldn’t be able to dance the mother-son dance without flashing all the guests.
  2. I do want a scoop neck. Not plunging neck. Scoop, sweetheart, oval, whatever you call it, I want it. No high neck or off-the shoulder or asymmetrical or deep v-neck….no. Scoop neck. That’s it.
  3. I would prefer not to have sleeves but since my upper arms are not quite as firm as they once were (they jiggle like Jell-O, if you must know), I’m thinking that a sleeve may be best.
    But I sweat. And not a delicate little sheen of perspiration, either. I’m talking soaking wet, hair dripping, drenching sweat. So a sheer sleeve, or a lace sleeve is probably best. (I plan to pack at least two anti-perspirant/deodorants in my MOG tote bag given to me by my dear friend Terri. And a few bath-size towels).
  4. I am wearing navy blue. I look good in navy blue. I look better in red, but I’m thinking that red is not appropriate for the MOG. I also look good in white. But someone else who is way more important than the MOG is wearing white that day, so navy blue for me it is.
  5. It cannot be a ball gown. I would literally look like a short cupcake in a ball gown. And cupcake is not the look I’m striving for. So ixnay on the ballgown look.
  6. It cannot be an empire-waist. Trust me when I say that a high waist is not a good look for me. I would look approximately 5 or 6 months pregnant, and again, I am thinking that that look is definitely not appropriate for the MOG.
  7. It maybe can have a waist. That depends on any weight loss that may occur over the next month or so. I’m not hopeful nor am I actively pursuing that activity, but I’m not ruling it out. A stomach flu or three may assist me in that endeavor. One never knows.

Soon it will be time to turn off the computer and go out and actually look at gowns and <shudder> try them on. I am actually kinda looking forward to it a little.

And, doggone it, I need girly, grown-up, gowny shoes too. More on that later.