I’m not talking about cliff-diving or bungee-jumping. I’m talking about easy, no-frills stuff. Stuff that does not require props or costumes or equipment. Stuff that doesn’t cost a cent (unless you get arrested).
Stuff that maybe requires another person (with a decent video camera on their phone). I’m talking about easy, juvenile, harmless stuff that may get me barred from many area establishments.
First off, let me tell you that my husband and sons will attest to the fact that I have always said to them things like, “What would you do if I poured that pitcher of water over my head” while at a restaurant. Or to George while at a big-box home improvement store, “What would you do if I jumped on that front-loader and drove around the store?”
So my brain has always been set to the “imaginative” setting, but lately I feel a strong compulsion to actually do some of that stuff.
For example, here is a list of things I’ve considered doing:
- Open the window of my car while stopped at a red light and scream. Repeatedly.
- While in a store I never plan on going to ever again, slap myself repeatedly in the face while yelling, “I TOLD you we needed dish detergent.”
- Once again at a red light, get out of my car and start washing the windshield of the car next to me.
- In a busy parking lot, run around outside my car yelling “Stop chasing me.”
- At a red light, roll down my window and ask the driver next to me, “How much did you pay for your car?”
- Get a piece of cloth that rips easily. Put a $5 bill on the floor of a busy store. When someone goes to pick the money, rip the cloth. They will think they ripped their pants. Just make sure that the person is actually wearing pants.
- Drive behind someone who is jogging and play “Eye of the Tiger” really loud. Don’t make eye contact with the jogger.
- Lie down in the aisle of any store, cross one leg over the other, and play a game on my cell phone, cheering loudly when I beat a level.
- Wear a snorkel everywhere for a whole day.
- Put random items in someone else’s cart.
- In public, stare up at the sky and point and watch how many people also stare up.
- Walk around a clothing store with a toilet plunger in my hand.
- Hide a walkie-talkie in a clothes rack and when someone approaches the rack and begins to look through it, start singing into the walkie talkie.
- Get a bunch of stuffed animals, a chair and a book. Go to a busy shopping center. Set the stuffed animals up in a semicircle outside on the pavement, sit on the chair in front of them and read the book out loud.
I realize that to some people, this list may be a bit horrifying. And to be honest, I don’t have the guts to do any of it. But it sure is fun to think up this stuff. Here are a few things that I have done that in most circles would be considered a bit off.
Once for my friend Kim’s birthday, I got a Styrofoam wig head, cut it into a square, put it on a plate and put cake icing on it, complete with “Happy birthday” written on it. When Kim went to cut the cake, the knife got stuck. No one wanted to say anything at first. They didn’t want to hurt my feelings. But the truth soon came out. And now it’s legend!
I and some co-workers at Red Lobster on Route One changed the readerboard outside the restaurant to say “Quarantined.” This was over 30 years ago when I was really immature.
Good thing I grew out of that phase.