I am not a fan of New Year’s Resolutions. Mostly because if I do make any, I break them by Jan. 2. My past resolutions have included some ridiculously ambitious stuff; lose 50 pounds, eat better, pay down debt, be nicer to everyone. Come on. Unrealistic. But I’m going to give it a try in 2018.

Let’s address the losing weight resolution. Do I feel a bit defensive that I haven’t lost all the baby weight I gained during my pregnancy with our youngest son? Yes, I do. Especially given the fact that our youngest son is now engaged to be married.

I justify my lack of weight loss by realizing that clothes manufacturers are now making (semi) stylish plus sized clothes for women now, and I can be a snappy dresser without looking like I’m wearing a tablecloth. So that’s one resolution dealt with.

Eat better. We do that. We eat so much chicken that I when I sneeze, feathers come flying out of my mouth. There’s only so much chicken a human being can be expected to eat, after all.

Steamed veggies—check.

Less carbs—check.

Less starches —check.

No sugar—check.

Beef on rare occasions. If we have a salad for dinner, chances are good that I will be starving about 10 minutes after I wash my salad bowl and will be grabbing the peanut butter and eating it out of the jar with a spoon. So the whole eating better is a work in progress.

Pay down debt. We don’t have a ton of debt, but I don’t want ANY debt. I have done a decent job of paying it down over the past several years. But then some genius invented Amazon and all those good intentions went right down the toilet. I am the Amazon Queen. Our UPS driver suggested to George the other day to take the credit card away from me. We’ve become so close to him that we are thinking of putting him in our will. We know his four kids by name, we know where he lives, and we know the story of how he met his wife. I’ve got to break the Amazon addiction and I plan to. Soon. Probably.

Be nicer to everyone. I try, I really do. But when someone flips me the bird when I’m driving, or cuts in front of me in line, or is rude to me for no reason, I get mad. In a shopping center parking lot recently, I had emptied my shopping cart into my car and then brought the cart back to the store.

I was getting into my car when this young woman started yelling at me that I dumped my cart in the lot between cars and it hit her car. I attempted to explain, calmly, that it was not my cart that hit her car, that I had returned mine to the store. She did not want to hear it. She informed me that I was lazy, old, fat, and thoughtless.

She was very angry, to say the least. I stood there listening to her, letting her rant and rave, while I interjected into her diatribe with “Uh huh,” “I see,” and “Interesting.” And when she was done, I replied, “Oh, yeah? Well, your car is a piece of crap. Have a nice day.” I may or may not have used some questionable language interspersed with my mature comeback.

For 2018, I am going to stop eating the chocolate candy that I keep in a bowl on my desk at work. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Kit Kats and Hershey’s Chocolate Bars. Nope. No more for me. I am also going to stop eating the peanut butter out of the jar while standing at the kitchen counter. I am going to stop ordering stuff from Amazon that is not vital to my very existence. I am going to (maybe) lose weight.

From now on, I will replace the empty toilet roll so that no one has to crab-walk to the closet to get a new roll. I will not threaten to kick my husband till he’s dead anymore.

Unless he’s asking for it.

Happy New Year. Make 2018 awesome!