We are invited to a wedding this month. This wedding is very special to us. It’s my dear friend Kim’s son’s wedding. We love Sean, and we love his fiancée Kristen. A special wedding equals trying to find something nice to wear. And if you know me, trying to find something nice to wear equals headaches, swearing, sweating and in this particular case, a wrenched neck. Yeah, you heard me. A wrenched neck.

Surprisingly, finding a dress was simple. I saw one at Macy’s, ordered it, tried it on, and voila! I have a dress. Went to the shoe store, tried on some shoes, found a pair that didn’t hurt too badly, bought them, and voila! I have shoes. Found a bracelet and earrings set and ordered it and voila! I have jewelry.

“Wow,” I said to myself. “ Maybe getting dressed like a grown-up isn’t so bad after all.”

Then I got to thinking. “Hmmm,” I thought. “That dress clings just a tad. Perhaps I should get some type of foundation garment to smooth things out a bit. After all, this IS a special wedding.” So I decided to purchase Spanx. (Author’s note: if you are squeamish, or you embarrass easily, or you never wore a foundation garment in your life, I’d highly suggest skipping to the last line of this article.)

So I went to the mall. To the Spanx department. There I was confronted by Spanx for every imaginable body flaw known to man and some that man never even thought of. Bras, panties, leggings, bodysuits, “skinny britches shorts,” tank tops…I had a hot flash just looking at this display. (Everything went dim and the room spun when I saw the prices.)

I stood with my eyes closed, picturing me in my dress and visualizing what parts of my body needed “smoothing.” I realized that, short of finding a garment that covers me from my eyebrows to my ankles, I needed to be less ambitious. So I selected the Power Conceal-Her™ High-Waisted Mid-Thigh Short to smooth my mid-section and hind parts. I also grabbed a Two-Timing® Open-Bust Cami just for the heck of it.

I went to the dressing room and tried on the mid-thigh short first. Getting it on was a little difficult but not bad. Not bad at all. It was mildly alarming to see what overflowed around the shorts, but hey, I’m a 60-year-old woman with a great personality and really nice eyes. You can’t have everything.

Time to try on the open-bust creation. Note to self for future reference: remove the first garment before trying on the second. I pulled and tugged the cami on, and smoothed it over my waist. Unfortunately I could not see how this combo looked on me because I immediately became lightheaded from lack of air. Everything from my diaphragm down to my thighs was compressed like a sausage in its casing, and I couldn’t draw in a full lungful of air. “Gotta. Get. This. Off,” I gasped.

I would have called for help but I didn’t have the lung power. So I grabbed the bottom of the cami and rolled it up, scratching myself with my rings and stopping at interludes to gasp and shed some tears. I would have bent over from the waist but I couldn’t. Sweat was pouring from me like I was straddling the Equator. I felt a searing, burning pain in my neck as I pulled and rolled and tugged. I finally got it over my head and flung it as far as I could across the dressing room.

I yanked the mid-thigh shorts off, kicking them away from me as I leaned against the wall and breathed deeply, massaging my throbbing neck muscle, examining the deep grooves on my torso and wondering how other woman wear these things. Who invented these things? I just KNOW that I’m gonna have bad dreams after this ordeal.

I was a little shaky from the physical ordeal so I got a cup of Haagen-Dazs ice cream to calm my nerves.

Oh, did I forget to mention that I did NOT buy the Spanx? I’ll just jiggle through Sean and Kristen’s wedding and hope people notice my eyes.