Betting on blackI would like to apply to be the voice of Siri on iPhones. The present-day Siri is just too nice, too sweet, too melodious to be effective in today’s world. I believe that we need a deep, husky, assertive voice with a Ewing accent to be the next Siri. And that voice should be mine.

First off, the name Siri has to go. That name conjures up ethereal, fragile, ladylike, flowing chiffon and lace, and all that nonsense. Not effective. I’m thinking the new name should be Storm. Storm has that aggressive, strong-willed, assertive feel that I believe we need on our phones.

Imagine asking Siri for directions to, say, Long Beach Island from Ewing. The present Siri voice would sweetly tell you to get on 195-East, get off at the Allentown exit and so on and so on. Storm would say, “Are you crazy? It’s a Friday afternoon in July. Do you have any idea what Route 72 in Stafford is gonna be like at this time of day? And if you ever get through THAT mess, the causeway bridge is gonna be a nightmare. You may as well swim there. It’ll be faster.”

Or you want to go to Ocean City, Maryland, so you ask Siri how to get there. The present Siri would nicely tell you. Storm? “Why are you going there when we have perfectly good beaches in New Jersey? I know it’s really nice there, and there’s lots to do, and the seafood is to die for, but it’s expensive, and you have to get through the Philly traffic first. Just go to Belmar and shut up about it.”

Thinking of a nice trip to the Poconos? Siri tells you to take NJ-31 North, US-202 North, NJ-31 North, US-46 West and I-80 West to get to Stroudsburg, Pennsylvania.

And she’d be correct. Storm would inform you: “Can you spell BUGS? Do you really want to get bitten by one zillion gnats and mosquitoes just so you can see pine trees and nature and lakes and all that crap? All the bug repellent in the world won’t help you up there.”

Say you want to take the family to Rockefeller Center, maybe at Christmas to see the tree, and you are planning to drive. Siri informs you how to get there, without any attitude at all. If I were the new Storm, I would say, “So you want to see the tree at Rockefeller Center? You want to experience the magic that is New York City at Christmas. I have three words for you: Take. The. Train.”

In the future, I foresee our phones being more sophisticated than they are now, if you can imagine that. I foresee them with “eyes” that can see what we are doing at all times.

When this happens, we will be needing a sensible, no-nonsense, all-knowing guide in our lives. And I am just the voice to provide it.

Deciding what to cook for dinner?

Storm: “I’d go with salad if I were you. The way you’ve been chowing down lately, it’s a wonder you have the strength to even lift me up.” And…”Don’t think I didn’t see that ice cream in the freezer.”

Not sure how you look in an outfit?

Storm: “You have got to be kidding me. Did we just travel back in time to the 60s? Where are you going? Woodstock? Take it off immediately. And while you’re at it, let’s light it on fire so you are never tempted to wear it again.”

While driving…

Storm: “That pedal to the far right is called the accelerator. Are we in a parade? And me without my Rose Bowl float. Let’s move, for crying out loud. “

Watching TV…

Storm: “We are NOT gonna watch this movie again, are we? How many times does this make? One million? It was boring the first 500 times we saw it. Change the channel immediately before my head explodes.”

The one good thing about your iPhone is that you can turn it off and not have to hear it nag you. Imagine how my family feels. On a daily basis. I have no “slide to power off” option.